How has your 2016 been? What are you wishing for in 2017?
I started this blog January this year, and boy has it expanded to 53 posts! Never could I have imagined the amount of followers on WordPress, Facebook and Instagram that has been achieved. I’m pulling a lovely grin at the moment 😉 A reflection on these last 12 months is definitely required. This year has brought pretty little things wrapped up, annoying body problems, pushed my baby out, loss of my dad and promised with forever diamonds. There’s been long miles of travel in the UK with a new born, to sleepless nights and days, baby attached to boob, and confused minds. Whilst this has all gone on, I am constantly trying to adapt to the change of life, without going skitso!
At the start of the year, it was incomparable to now – I hadn’t entered my world. Normally each year is the same-ish, but this one has had drastic changes. Let’s begin with me being in a well-paid job, to then looking after JJ at home. Work was my life. They say you are meant to work to live but I loved working. It consumed a lot of me. I would take the company mobile with me on holidays and respond to emails and calls. On the way to work and returning home, where these hours were unpaid, I would still be tapping at the phone replying to mail.
My inbox at work was one of the largest in the company – lol! Putting on my pencil skirts and fancy blouse, hopping onto the train, sipping any type of caffeine and walking across Vauxhall Bridge to work was part of my routine for years. Keyboard typing, bossing colleagues about and solving, helping and improving anything within work was, just me. As sad as that may seem – I was a work a holic. I even said I was going to come back early to work during maternity. Oh what being a first time mummy can do to your world! I quickly realised I was not ready to go back to work and would take the whole maternity year. It changes everything! LOL! I just wanted to spend as much time with JJ.
My mum worked all the time – she meant well and worked her socks off, but I didn’t see her as much as I wanted to. Years pass so quickly and JJ won’t stay little forever. Putting my career on hold for however long is what I want to do because I really want to be involved in JJ’s milestones, even if he does have his crazy moments !
Everyone warns you about enjoying being you, enjoying moments with your partner, enjoying the freedom because it’s much harder to achieve. I struggled with the idea that it was not about Martin and I anymore. I have to put my little JJ first. He is my world but gosh can he test me to my limits. From doing whatever I wanted whenever I chose to, to now being limited – or just for things to take sooooo much longer! Crikey – it is such an impact.
I’ve lost my morning lie ins in my cosy bed, my late nights going to bed, randomly going out with family and friends, putting time into things I love, like cycling, reading comics and painting. Let’s not forget the small things, like having a shower, a pee or poo without being disturbed or rushed. I miss coffee not quietly getting cold, driving without hearing screams, a decent run of sleep hours, nipples not leaking, covering boob clothing and time for being me. This is not a moan at all – I’m just trying to show I have found it hard.
From office work to a mum, a cleaner, an organiser, multi tasker, aerobics, a body guard, a teacher, a chauffeur, a sports person, best friend of google, for me an absolute achiever. A damn hard worker. I am not on holiday! I’d like to see you be covered with pee constantly, smell the poo that comes out JJ’s ass, grow muscles you never knew you had, constantly every day. Strangely, it’s all freaking worth it! I love making JJ laugh – his laughter completely melts me away. Even though it can be tiring, every new leap he goes through makes me know I’m doing something right, and that is what is so rewarding.
Now factor this in with my dad passing away. I don’t even know what to write here. I have an emptiness of words on this matter. When you love someone, and then their presence is gone. How does one feel? I still go to my mums and dads place expecting him to be there, to say a not funny dad joke (but others find funny). I long for those random calls that my car needs an MOT even though I know it does. I miss our competiveness about the latest products. I crave on getting annoyed easily when teaching him how to work his phone or laptop. Then to see my mum continue without him, her love of her life, not sharing the same bed any more, the morning awakenings and daily talks disappear – is another struggle. I try my upmost to make sure she doesn’t feel so alone, but I can’t be there with her every moment. That makes me feel utter helpless. Through this, I feel she is strong. She doesn’t think so – but to continue and get on with everything – that is a strong minded woman. I love you mum.
I feel on top of the world as diamonds are really a girl’s best friend. Hahahahahaha! Knowing there is a promise to death do us part, is reassuring. I was never the type to be bothered about marriage until I met Martin ahahahaha! Just the fact that I am still loved through all my ugly moments and stupid moments, just creates a big smile! I know that we have so much to experience together and cannot wait for the ‘I do’. He’s been so supportive, (95% of the time – hahahaha) that I really couldn’t get past this year without him. And dealing with all my demands – wow!
I have come to know some great mummies and without them all, I would feel so lonely. They have been such an amazing supportive group about everything. Having those coffee meet ups and play dates are greatly needed so I don’t go insane!
What have I learnt from this year? That I truly can cope – that I am strong when I thought I was weak, mentally and physically. I get on with things because I have to; I want to. I am not as selfish as I thought – (except with snacks and desserts with Martin). I can love a little human being as wide as the galaxy. I understand why mums do what they do – they are trying to make a good home, and in order to do that things need to be done their own way. It’s really something that I didn’t grasp before. I’ve never lost someone so important to me, so I know I just want to enjoy every moment with everyone I cherish. Family and friends means much more to me now than ever before. I know that a lot can change but I can make it work to the best of my ability.
Through this here are my wishes that I will upon for 2017:
- To be the super duper fun mum and not get annoyed so often (Very hard to do ahahaha)
- To continue with the little craze of exercise the last 2 weeks. It will really help with my back issues and hopefully will help trim down all the chocolate I’ve been eating.
- To spend more time with family. The last couple of days I’ve made more of an effort even for a short while – so really glad!
- To cook more often for Martin coz I’m really not a chef!
- To keep up with more collateral for the blog!
- Have a new family home. (It’s going sooooo sloooooow)
- Get cracking on planning for our wedding.
- Normally I would have a career goal but that’s not gone, it’s just on hold.